Buffy In Wonderland
by Tookish Hobbit
Summary: This is what happens when I get bored! Now you all must suffer..oh and the title says it all lol


Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss (except for Cj, Kt, David, and Noah), plot to Disney  
  
Summary: This is what happens when I get bored! Now you all must suffer..oh and the title says it all lol  
  
  
  
Buffy In Wonderland  
  
It was a beautiful clear night in the small town of Sunnydale. Buffy was heading back to the library with Wesley, who insisted upon training and studying, seeing as he was the new watcher. Buffy sighed, twirling Mr. Pointy aimlessly as Wesley was lecturing her once again.  
  
"In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires.."  
  
"The demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Yeah yeah I've heard it all before Wes, no need to refresh my memory," finished Buffy impatiently. She really did hate that prick.  
  
"Buffy, there is a great evil arising from the Hell mouth very soon and we know hardly anything of it. Stop living in your little fantasy world and pay attention! The fate of the world depends on it!" screeched Wesley as they entered the library.  
  
Buffy plopped down in a seat around the table while Wesley emerged himself in the stacks. She sighed, "If I had a world of my own everything would be different..no demons..and everything would be as is isn't..whoa ok I'm starting to sound like Alice from that one movie.." she babbled. "Why in my world.." she began to sing "Vamps and demons, would reside in rusty little cages. And be chained to walls and the ceilings. In a world of my own, all the witches would have extraordinary powers and they would sit and conjure things for hours when they're lonely in a world of my own." She got up out of her seat and continued to sing.  
  
"There'd be people. Lots of happy, singing, playing people. Everyone would have a happy life within that world of my own. I could listen to the screams of demons and hear song that I could understand...I keep wishing it could be that way because my world would be a Wonderland.."  
  
She looked out the window and sighed. "I can only dream.."  
  
Just then, she saw something run across the window..it was a watcher..no..it was Giles! She ran outside as fast as she could to catch up to him. "Giles! Oh, Giles wait!" she called after him.  
  
"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say hello goodbye, I'm late I'm late I'm late!" he yelled, pointing at his pocket watch as he ran off.  
  
Buffy ran after him. "Maybe it's a party or something..Oh Mr. Giles! Wait!"  
  
"No no no no no, I'm overdue! I'm really in a stew! No time to say goodbye hello! I'm late I'm late I'm late!" he ranted as he ran into a vampire's cave.  
  
"What a weird place to have a party.." she said as she started to walk slowly into the cave. She looked around the dank, dark cave. "Maybe I shouldn't be here..I haven't been invited..and curiosity usually leads to.." She suddenly slid down and fell "TROUBLE..." she finished.  
  
She fell at a very slow pace. All of a sudden, the cave was being lit up and she could see things floating. She picked up a demon book and flipped through it. "Hm.." she said. She let go of it and it floated up above her. She then saw tombstones littering the air. She couldn't help but sit on one of them as she continued to fall. "How curious.." she said. "I wonder if I'll fall through the center of the Earth.."  
  
She hopped off the tombstone and streamlined her body and fell at an alarming rate down the bottom of the cave. She got up and dusted herself off and saw ahead of her, Giles running still holding his pocket watch.  
  
"Giles! Wait! Please!" she yelled as she ran after him. She looked around her new location. He had disappeared! Oh, but she then heard a door close. She spun around and saw a door there. She opened it only to find another door. She opened that one and the one after it and the one after that until she finally found herself in a large room. "This is so weird.." she said as she got off of her hands and knees.  
  
She saw a very tiny door on the other side of the room. She walked over and tried to pull it open. "OW!" screeched the door.  
  
"Oh God..I'm sorry..wait..mom?!" exclaimed Buffy.  
  
"Oh its ok..mom? No no I'm afraid you are mistaken. No bother..boy you gave me quite a turn.."  
  
"Oh..well I was just.."  
  
"Rather good one..doorknob, turn. One good turn deserves another.." chuckled Joyce the doorknob.  
  
"Right..well I was uh..following a tweed watcher..do you mind if?"  
  
"Hm..oh!" realized Joyce as she opened up her mouth, which happened to be a keyhole.  
  
"Oh! There he is! I have to get through!"  
  
"Oh sorry there, but you're much too big. Simply impassable."  
  
"You mean impossible."  
  
"No! Impassable. Nothing is impossible. Why don't you try the bottle on the table?"  
  
"Table?" questioned Buffy as she looked behind her. All of a sudden, a glass table flew behind her and landed with a bottle on it.  
  
"Just do what the directions tell you," instructed Joyce. "And directly you'll you be directed in the right direction," she chuckled.  
  
"Drink Me," said the vile on the table. It looked as though it was filled with blood. She glanced back at her mother now doorknob and shrugged. She took a tiny sip, "Hmm..tastes like..icecream," she said as she took another sip and began to shrink. "And cake." She took another sip and shrank. "And pie! Oh god!" she said as she was but three inches high, holding an enormous bottle. "What did I do?!"  
  
Joyce chuckled, "You almost went out like a candle!"  
  
"But look! I'm just the right size!" exclaimed an excited Buffy as she ran over to the small door.  
  
"Oh! No use," chuckled Joyce. "I'm locked!"  
  
"Oh no.."  
  
"But of course, you got the key.."  
  
"What key?"  
  
"Oh don't tell me you forgot it up there!"  
  
"Oh dear.." she said as she walked back over to the glass table where they key suddenly appeared. She attempted to climb up it but it was no use. "Now what will I do?"  
  
"Try the box, naturally."  
  
A golden box appeared in front of her. She opened it to see tiny human parts inside that said 'Eat me' on them in fancy letters in icing. "Oh gross.." she said. "But..what's the harm?" She took a bite out of one, against her better judgment. She suddenly grew to the top of the ceiling! "Oh my!" she exclaimed.  
  
Joyce just laughed, "A little of that goes a long way!"  
  
"Well I don't find it funny.." complained Buffy as she began to cry. "Now I'll never get home and the world is going to end and it will be all my fault!" she sobbed.  
  
"Oh, now crying won't do any good."  
  
"I know," sniffed Buffy, "but I can't help it!" she wailed as she continued to sob. The room soon began to fill with the salty water from her tears.  
  
"The bottle! The bottle!" exclaimed Joyce as she began to get drowned out by the gigantic tears.  
  
Buffy sniffed, still crying and took the tiny bottle and drank from it. She immediately shrank and fell into the bottle, which fell into her sea of tears. Joyce opened up her mouth and drained the water to the other side of the door and Buffy floated right out in the small bottle.  
  
"Ugh I wish I hadn't cried so much.."  
  
Buffy floated out and was in an ocean where she heard some faint singing..  
  
"Ohhh the Mayor's life is the life for me! How I love to kill on the flaming hell mouth and I never never never can do a thing about the slayer for the slayer never ever does a thing for me!" sang the Mayor, who was riding on a demon and being pushed by another.  
  
"Ohhh the Mayor's life is the life for me! Tiddly dum!," he honked his nose twice, "dee dum dum dee and I never never--Ahoy! A nautical expression! Land ho by jo!"  
  
"Where to Mayor?" said the flying demon pushing him.  
  
"Three points starboard. We'll be in port in no time!"  
  
Buffy soon washed up on the shore where the Mayor was standing on a rock with a fire, singing, while other demons were running around him. The Mayor spotted her and yelled, "I say you'll never get dry that way! Have to run with the others! First rule of a caucus race!"  
  
"But how can I.." she began as a huge wave washed up on them all. She then found herself on the shoulders of a large demon.  
  
"That's the spirit! You'll be dry in no time!" cheered the Mayor.  
  
"No one can ever get dry this way!"  
  
"Nonsense, I'm as dry as a bone already!" said the Mayor, putting his hands up to his fire.  
  
Buffy was about to protest when Giles was washed upon the shore. "Oh! It's the tweed watcher! Oh Giles! Giles!"  
  
"Oh no I'm late!" he jumped up and began to run away.  
  
"No wait! I'll be right back!" she yelled as she was still in the caucus race with the others.  
  
"No! I'm late!" he said as he ran into the woods near the shore.  
  
Buffy hopped off of the demon and ran after the tweed watcher into the forest. "Oh Giles! Giles! Come back Giles!" But he was nowhere to be found. "Do you think he could be hiding?" she asked herself. Just then, unbeknownst to Buffy, two Xanders were bouncing around behind her. Buffy climbed into a log and was searching for the tweed watcher. The two Xanders hopped over it and to the other side and stood in front of the end. Buffy climbed out of the log, between their legs but she didn't even notice them.  
  
"Oh I suppose he's long gone." She turned around and there standing in front of her were two Xanders. "Xander? There's two of you?" said Buffy, utterly amazed. She read the tags on their shirts out loud "Tweed- Zep and Tweed-Po." Thinking they were fake, she poked one in the stomach.  
  
"If you think we're wax, be sure to pay," said Tweed-Po as he punched his double.  
  
"Contrary to wax if you think we're alive you ought speak to us," said Tweed-Zep. The two then began to dance around with each other to Buffy's amusement. "That's logic," they said in unison.  
  
"Well..that's..great..it was nice to see you..bye!" she said as she started to walk off.  
  
"You're beginning backwards!" exclaimed Tweed-Zep.  
  
"Aye! The first thing a visitor is to say .." Both broke into song and dance, "How do you and shake hands shake hands shake hands! How do you do and shake hands and then state your name! That's manners."  
  
"Really?" said Buffy, eying them both. "Well, my name is Buffy and I'm following the tweed watcher so.."  
  
"Oh no you can't go yet!" exclaimed Tweed-Po.  
  
"No, the visit has just started!" agreed Tweed-Zep.  
  
"Well I'm sorry but I must.."  
  
"You want to play hide and seek?!" both asked. "Or button button who's got the button?"  
  
"No thank you.."  
  
"Or if you stay long enough we might have a battle!" said Tweed-Zep as they both began to punch each other. As the two of them fought, she quietly walked off to find the tweed watcher, leaving the two to fight.  
  
Buffy walked off into the forest only to find a small house out in the woods. She walked up to the house and heard the tweed watcher yelling out, "Fluffy! Fluffffy! Oh me oh my I'm awfully late!"  
  
"Oh Mr. Giles wait!"  
  
The tweed watcher turned around and gave her an angry look. "Fluffy! What are you doing out here? Go get my gloves! At once!" he screeched as he pushed her into the house  
  
"God..pushy much.." she said as she walked upstairs into his bedroom. "Now..if I were a watcher, where would I keep my gloves.." she said as she began to go through his things.  
  
She came across a candy dish with a lid on it and opened it. "Oh!" she exclaimed as she saw the small, human shaped candies with the words "Eat me" written on them. She picked on up and said to herself, "Oh well thank you, don't' mind if I do." She popped one into her mouth and began to hum a little tune as she continued to hunt for the tweed watcher's gloves.  
  
She saw a small chest near the foot of the bed and began to look through when all of a sudden, she began to grow at an alarming rate and she soon hit her head on the ceiling. "Oh no not again," she sighed as she continued to grow and grown until her arms and feet were pushed out the windows and door and she found herself stuck in this quaint little cottage.  
  
The tweed watcher saw the giant girl in his house and screamed for help, bouncing down the road yelling, "Help! Assistance! A slayer! Help!"  
  
Buffy tried desperate to pull the house off of her but to no prevail. "Oh dear," she sighed as she scratched her head..well..the top of the house. She soon heard commotion outside of the cottage.  
  
"Help Mayor! Its a slayer! In my house Mayor! Oh my poor house," exclaimed the extremely flustered watcher.  
  
"The Mayor?" questioned Buffy to herself.  
  
"Oh it can't be as bad as all that," he said as he lit up his pipe and put it in his mouth.  
  
"Oh my roof and rafters and my walls. There it is!" exclaimed the watcher as he pointed to her and then ducked behind the fence.  
  
"By Jove! Jolly well is! Isn't it?" said the Mayor as he walked up to the house, examining it. "Yes in deedy. Extraordinary situation but uh," he said tapping Buffy's shoe and then blowing his nose.  
  
"But but but but what?!" exclaimed the panicked watcher.  
  
"But I have a very simple solution!"  
  
"Thank god," sighed Buffy in relief.  
  
"What is it?!"  
  
"Simply, pull it out the chimney!" said the Mayor all knowingly.  
  
"Pull it out the chimney? Yes! Go on! Pull it out the chimney," said the watcher, pushing the Mayor towards the house more, anxious to get this slayer out of his house.  
  
"Who? Me?" he exclaimed. "Don't be ridiculous! Why, what we need.." he trailed off, pondering. He glanced over at a man walking with a ladder and chimney sweep, whistling a tune. "A chimney sweep!"  
  
"What? Oh! Larry! Larry! Can you help us?" exclaimed the tweed watcher, bouncing over to him.  
  
"At your service, govna!" exclaimed Larry.  
  
"Hello me lad!" said the Mayor as he put his arm around Larry, walking to the house with the giant slayer in it. "Have you ever been down a chimney?"  
  
"Why govna! I've been down more chimneys--"  
  
"Excellent! Excellent! Now you just pop down that chimney and pull that slayer out of there," said the Mayor simply.  
  
"Right ho govna! Wait? Slayer?!" shrieked Larry as he started to run the other way upon seeing Buffy's eyes through the window.  
  
The Mayor and the tweed watcher chased him through the yard and then up the ladder where he proceeded to run back down in utter terror. Ah, but the Mayor was too quick for him and he was soon in his grasp being taken up to the roof of the house. "That's better. Now lad, you're passing up a golden opportunity," said the Mayor.  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yes, you can be famous!"  
  
"I can?"  
  
"Of course! Now there's a brave lad, now in you go. Nothing to it," he said as started to help Larry into the chimney. "Simply tie your necklace around the monster's neck and drag it out!"  
  
"But but govna--"  
  
"Good luck!" said the Mayor as he shook Larry's hand and pushed him down the chimney causing soot to go flying every which way in Buffy's face. Buffy let out a huge sneeze caused by the soot and poor Larry flew right out of the chimney and into the distance.  
  
"Well, there goes Larry," said the Mayor puffing his pipe, looking up in the sky where Larry was blown out.  
  
"Poor Larry," said Buffy somewhat sorrowfully  
  
"Uh..perhaps we should try a more..energetic remedy," said the Mayor as he lit a match  
  
"Yes yes! Anything! But hurry!" exclaimed Giles pointing to his watch.  
  
"Now I propose that we uh," he began, holding the lit match.  
  
"Yes yes go on," encouraged the watcher.  
  
"I propose that we uh...ooh!" he exclaimed in pain as he was burnt by the match. "By jo that's it! We'll burn the house down!"  
  
"Yes, we'll burn--what?!"  
  
"No!" exclaimed Buffy.  
  
The Mayor chuckled and began to sing as he began to pile things up near the house, "Oh we'll smoke the blighter out. We'll put the slayer to rout. Some kindling a stick or two..Ah this bit of rubbish ought to do!" he sang as he began to throw things from the watcher's house into the pile of kindling. He continued to sing, "We'll smoke the blighter out. Yes, we'll smoke the slayer out."  
  
"No no! Not my books!" yelled the watcher, watching as the Mayor was putting all of his belongs in the big pile.  
  
"Oh, we'll roast the blighter's toes. We'll toast the bounder's nose. Just fetch that gate! We'll make it clear that slayer's aren't welcome here," said the Mayor piling up more things.  
  
"Oh me oh my!" said the watcher.  
  
"Match?" asked the Mayor.  
  
"Oh! Here!" said the tweed watcher, handing him one.  
  
"Without a single doubt, we'll smoke the slayer out!" finished the Mayor in his singsong voice as he lit the match and tossed it on the pile of kindling.  
  
"We'll smoke the slayer out," sang the watcher then thought better of it "Oh! Oh no! My house! My books!" he screamed, utterly distraught that his house was now burning.  
  
"Oh god. This is serious," said Buffy looking around the house. "I need to..oh! Maybe if I ate something," she began as she looked out the window and reached for the small garden behind the house and reached for a carrot. "It might make me..smaller," she said as she tugged on it.  
  
The tweed watcher spotted her and ran to his garden and tried to get her to stop touching his garden by latching onto her hand. But that didn't stop her. She pulled out the carrot, with the watcher on her hand and pulled her hand back into the window with the watcher screaming for help.  
  
"I'm sorry! But I have to eat something!" she explained.  
  
"Not me! You..you..monster!" he exclaimed as she took a bite out of the carrot and began to shrink, dropping the tweed watcher. The flustered man ran out of the house as fast as he could, catching a glimpse of his watch. "Oh me oh my I'm late!" he yelled as he ran out of his house.  
  
"Would you happen to have a match?" asked the Mayor, who was searching for one on the ground. But the watcher did not heed his question and kept on running. The now three inch tall Buffy ran out of the house, trying to get the watcher to wait for her. "Ah, young lady would you happen to have a match?" asked the cheerful Mayor.  
  
"No, I'm sorry but I..Mr. Giles!" she yelled, running after the tweed watcher.  
  
"No cooperation, no cooperation at all. Well can't have slayers about. Jolly well have to carry on alone," babbled the Mayor, still trying to set the house on fire to get out that pesky slayer.  
  
Buffy sprinted after the tweed watcher who had ducked into what appeared to be one of the many cemeteries in Sunnydale. She entered the cemetery, looking around at all the mausoleums and statues of the deceased.  
  
"Has a sort of..homey feel to it," she said to herself, scanning her surroundings.  
  
"I would hope so," a faint voice put in.  
  
"Who..who said that?" questioned Buffy as she turned around in a circle trying to locate the mysterious voice. She looked at the statues above some of the graves, some looking strangely familiar. "You don't suppose...but statues can't talk," said Buffy, talking to herself once more.  
  
"Oh of course we can talk," disagreed one that strangely resembled Willow that stood above all.  
  
"If there's anyone worth talking to," chimed in a Harmony look alike.  
  
"Or about!" giggled another one of the Cordettes, immortalized in statue form.  
  
"Well, that's great but I'm looking for a tweed watcher. You didn't happen to see one run past here?" asked Buffy, ready to move on in her adventure.  
  
"Mm..no, not that I can think of," the Willow statue replied kindly.  
  
The statue of Harmony bent over the still three inch tall Buffy examining her. "What type of statue are you supposed to be?" she asked in disgust.  
  
"Still aren't any smarter are you Harm?" thought Buffy.  
  
"Do you suppose she's an angel? Oh that'd be quite magnificent," squealed one.  
  
"Why no! She hasn't got any wings! And she doesn't meet up to the stature of an angel," scoffed Harmony.  
  
"Hey!" defended Buffy, outraged. "Who does she think she is?!" she thought angrily.  
  
"What sort of..art work are you my dear?" questioned Willow, putting a supportive arm around her shoulder.  
  
"Well..I guess you could call me erm..well I'm a slayer!" she said rather pathetically.  
  
"A slayer? Who ever saw of a slayer like that? She's so thin and..and small," chimed in one of the Cordettes.  
  
"She's rather scrawny," agreed one.  
  
"Couldn't possible be the chosen one," screeched another.  
  
"I think she's pretty!" piped up a statue of a little girl. Willow covered up the little girls mouth, quieting her before she could say anymore.  
  
"Why she's nothing more than..than a demon!" yelled Harmony.  
  
"I am not a demon!"  
  
"Well, you wouldn't expect her to admit it now would you?" said one of the Cordettes, giving Buffy a glare.  
  
"We shant have her stay here any longer!" screeched Willow as she started to push her out.  
  
"We do not want demons in our cemetery!" they all yelled at once, shooing her out.  
  
"Fine! Ya know if I was the right size I could take you! All of you! That'd teach you," huffed Buffy angrily as she stormed out of the graveyard and forward in her quest to find the tweed watcher.  
  
She soon found herself in what appeared to be the Bronze. She turned her head up and saw colored smoke coming from somewhere. "What could that be?" she asked, still rather angry about those damned statues.  
  
She continued searching for the source to the smoke that was in shapes of letters and symbols and soon heard a soothing voice sing, "Aaaaa, B flat, D, C, Ffffff, E flat diminished niiiiinth." She kept on walking until she found what looked to be a very short, three inches to be exact, guitarist smoking a very large pipe and blowing out colored smoke on a big shaggy couch.  
  
"Oz?" she said looking at him.  
  
Oz turned and looked at her, raising an eyebrow and said simply, "Who are you?"  
  
Buffy, in turn, coughed from the damn smoke from his pipe and responded in a choked voice, "Well..I'm not quite sure..things have been kind of..oh what's the word I'm looking for? Odd! Today.." she finished.  
  
"I'm not following you," responded Oz nonchalantly.  
  
"Well I dunno how to explain it. First I'm in the library listening to Wesley complain and now I'm in some..weird dimension, ya know what I mean?"  
  
"I do not..know."  
  
"I can't explain it better because I really don't understand it myself."  
  
Oz eyed her coolly and replied, "Who are you?" while blowing smoke into her face.  
  
"Why don't you tell me who you are first?" coughed Buffy.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"God..everything is so confusing today," she whined, sitting down on an inflatable chair.  
  
"No, it's not," he said, changing his position so he could lie on his side.  
  
"Well it is to me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Things are all just messed up and---"  
  
"Recite the spaces and lines!" commanded Oz.  
  
"What? Oh! Um..Every Good Boy Deserves--"  
  
"Stop! That is not spoken correctic-cally," he said, standing up. "It goes," he cleared his throat, "Every Good Banana Dives For A Cookie and Funky Assed Chicks Eat Good Beef Dinner," he finished matter-of-factly.  
  
"I never heard it that way before."  
  
"I know. I improved it," he said as he inhaled more of the colored smoke and blew it in Buffy's direction.  
  
"If you ask me--" she started but then gave way to coughing and choking.  
  
"You. Who are you?" questioned Oz once more.  
  
"Ugh!" she grunted as she began to storm off once again. This world was really starting to piss her off.  
  
Oz jumped up when she started to leave and yelled after her, "Hey you! Wait! Come back! I have something important to say!"  
  
"God, now what?" she sighed as she turned around and started to walk back to Oz. "Well?" she asked when she got back only to find him laying on his back, blowing smoke rings up into the air.  
  
"Keep your temper," he said wisely.  
  
"Is that it?"  
  
"No. Exactly what is your problem?"  
  
"My problem is I'd like to be a little bit taller."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well I mean come on, three inches is a pretty shitty height if you ask me."  
  
Oz jumped up and his face turned a bright red and he yelled in her face, "I! Am exactly three inches high! And it is a perfectly GOOD height!" Black smoke began to circle Oz as he continued to turn a deeper shade of red.  
  
"Well I'm not used to it!" she retorted angrily. She then blew the smoke that had accumulated around Oz and he was gone. "Oh god.." she said as she picked up one of his many famous bowling shirts.  
  
"I have some more advice!" he yelled from behind Buffy. She spun around only to see a very angry werewolf. "One side will make you grow taller!"  
  
Buffy looked around confused and shouted back, "Of what?"  
  
"And one side will make you grow smaller!" he yelled as he began to run off.  
  
"Of what?!" she screamed after him.  
  
Oz-wolf came running at her, quite angry and yelled, "The box of chocolates of course!" and with that he ran out of the club.  
  
Buffy returned to her seat on the inflatable couch, a box of chocolates sitting in front of it. She opened the box and saw the candies divided into sides down the middle. She picked up two pieces from opposite sides and examined them closely.  
  
"Hm..one side will make me grow..but which is which? After everything that's happened I dunno if I should..wait..ya know what..I don't care," she decided as she took a bite out of one of the chocolates. "I'm tired of being three inches high," she said matter-of-factly.  
  
Almost instantly her body began to grow and stretch. She grew so much that she broke through the ceiling of the Bronze. She soon stopped growing, the building at her ankles. She looked down and across the town, enjoying the view.  
  
"Well then," she said. She then looked at the other candy still in her hand. "And the other side will make you grow smaller," she said thoughtfully as she took a bite and suddenly began to shrink, shrink, shrink back down until she was inside of the building, once more three inches high.  
  
"I can't win!" she whined. She looked at the other piece of chocolate and looked up at the gaping hole in the roof. She shrugged and licked the candy, growing back to her normal height.  
  
"Better save these for later," she said to herself, pocketing the candies and walking off to find the tweed watcher.  
  
After walking only a short distance, she found herself to be lost, with signs pointing every which way, telling her nothing of use. She looked at the signs and scrunched her nose. "This is helpful," she commented.  
  
All of a sudden, lights began to flash in different colors and a distance voice began to sing, "Twas the brillig and the slithy toves. Did the grye and the gimbel in the wabe. All the mimsy were the borogoves and the momerathes outgrabe.."  
  
"What in the hell.." she trailed off, looking around the tree for the source of the singing.  
  
"Lose something?" said a sly, mischievous voice.  
  
Buffy spun around, only to be faced with a toothy grin and nothing more..no body, nothing! "Oh uh..I was uh..No I was just.." she stumbled.  
  
"Its quite all right. One moment, please," said the smile as two eyes dropped out from the sky and into place on the nonexistent face. "Second chorus," he smirked and began to sing once more. "Twas the brillig and the slithy toves. Did the grye and the gimbel in the wabe," he sang as the rest of him appeared.  
  
"Why, you're a vampire!" exclaimed Buffy, somewhat surprised.  
  
"Angelus, to be exact," he said as he took a bow and continued to sing; "All the mimsy were the borogoves.." he trailed off as he began to disappear.  
  
"Wait! Don't go!" she said desperately, against better judgment.  
  
"There you are," he grinned as he reappeared. "Third chorus.."  
  
"Oh no..I just wanted to ask if you knew which way I should go."  
  
"Well then, that depends...on where..you want to get to," he said giving her an insane grin.  
  
"Oh it really doesn't matter as long as---"  
  
"Then it really doesn't matter...which way..you go," he laughed as he disappeared and began walking, footprints still being seen by Buffy. "All the mimsy were the borogoves and the momerathes outgrabe.." he sang as he reappeared leaning against a tree. "By the way, if you'd really like to know..he went..that way," he said slyly, pointing east.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The tweed watcher."  
  
"He did?"  
  
"He did what?"  
  
"He went that way."  
  
"Who did?"  
  
"The tweed watcher!"  
  
"What watcher?"  
  
"But you just said..ugh," said Buffy, frustrated.  
  
"However..If I were looking for a tweed watcher..I'd ask the Mad Vampress," he offered, pointing to a sign that pointed her in the right direction.  
  
"The Mad Vampress? No..I'd rather not."  
  
"Or..there's Bloody Will..in that direction," he suggested, pointing in the opposite direction.  
  
"Oh..well I guess I'll go see him," she said, smiling slightly.  
  
"Of course, he's mad too," he said distantly.  
  
"But I don't want to go see mad people!"  
  
"Oh you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here," he laughed. "You may have noticed, I'm not all there myself," he laughed as he began to vanish once more, singing, "and the momeraths outgrabe.."  
  
"God, if all people here are like that, I should watch what I say.." she advised herself as she began to walk down one of the many paths. Buffy soon came upon a quaint little house and heard singing coming from the back. "Weird.."  
  
"A very merry unbirthday, a very merry unbirthday to us!" two people sang while their teapots and dishes were providing them with background music. Buffy crept through the gate and watched through all the steam behind a chair.  
  
"A very merry unbirthday to me!"  
  
"To who?"  
  
"To me!"  
  
"Oh, you!"  
  
"A very merry unbirthday to you!"  
  
"Who, me?"  
  
"Yes, You!"  
  
"Oh, me!"  
  
"Let's all congratulate us with another cup of tea! A very merry unbirthday fooooor you!" the finished.  
  
Buffy couldn't help but clap for they did do a lovely job of singing. The Mad Vampress and Bloody Will looked down at the other end of the table at the clapping slayer and both at once started to bound down there, screaming, "No room! No room! There's no room! No room at all!"  
  
"But I thought there was lots of room," protested Buffy.  
  
"Aah, but it's rude to sit down without being invited!" argued Bloody Will.  
  
"I'll say it's rude! Very rude indeed!" huffed the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Very..very, very rude, indeed," added in a very small Amy-rat from one of the teapots.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I did like your singing!" put in Buffy, trying to get on their good sides.  
  
"You enjoyed our singing?" asked Bloody Will.  
  
"Oh! What a delightful child! I'm so excited! We never get company. You must have a cup of tea!" exclaimed the Mad Vampress excitedly.  
  
"Aah yes, you must have a cup of tea," agreed Bloody Will as he poured a saucer, cup, and tea from one of the many pots littering the table.  
  
"Oh that'd be great," said Buffy smiling. "Sorry for interrupting your birthday party too," apologized Buffy.  
  
"Birthday party? Child, this is not a birthday party," exclaimed Bloody Will, taking back the cup of tea he was about to give to her.  
  
"Of course not! This is an unbirthday party!" exclaimed the Mad Vampress, pouring more tea for herself.  
  
"Unbirthday? I'm not sure I follow you," replied a confused Buffy.  
  
"Its very simple. Now, 30 days half..no..an unbirthday..if you have a birthday then you..she doesn't know what an unbirthday is!" exclaimed Bloody Will.  
  
"How silly!" said the Mad Vampress, clearing her throat. She began to sing, "Now statistics prove, prove that you've one birthday!"  
  
"Can you imagine that? One birthday!" repeated Bloody Will while conducting the teapots that were acting as instruments.  
  
"Ah, but there are 364 unbirthdays!" sang the Mad Vampress as the music stopped along with her.  
  
"Precisely why we're gathered here!" laughed Bloody Will.  
  
"I see," replied Buffy oddly. "Vamps really do need to get out more often," she thought to herself.  
  
"You see, today is our unbirthday!" giggled the Mad Vampress.  
  
"So.." began Bloody Will. "Aaaa very merry unbirthday to us!"  
  
"To you?" sang Buffy as she joined in.  
  
"To us!"  
  
"To you!"  
  
"A very merry unbirthday to us!" sang Bloody Will as he put a cake out with a candle on it. "Now, blow the candle out my dear and make your wish come true!" he sang to his Mad Vampress. She blew it out and the candle and cake exploded and little Amy-rat was floating down, holding an umbrella singing.  
  
"Twinkle twinkle little bat. How I wonder what you're at? Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky!" she sang as she floated right down into a teapot.  
  
Buffy couldn't help but clap and praise them. "That was great," she grinned.  
  
"Now my dear," began the Mad Vampress, "What exactly are you looking for?"  
  
"Oh, yes I was looking for-"  
  
The Mad Vampress looked down at her cup and screeched, "Clean cup clean cup move down move down move down!" The two vampires pushed Buffy down the table a little further.  
  
"Would you like some more tea?" asked the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Well, I haven't had any to begin with so I can't really take more," logiced Buffy.  
  
"Ahh, you mean you can't take less!" countered Bloody Will.  
  
"You can always have more than nothing!" agreed the Mad Vampress as she poured yet more tea for Buffy.  
  
"Yes but I was just saying-"  
  
"Something seems to be troubling you my dear," said the Mad Vampress as she took a seat on the table and sat down Indian style. "Do tell us about it!"  
  
"Start at the beginning," said Bloody Will as he stretched himself on the table as well.  
  
"Yes yes. And when you come to the end, stop!" giggled the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Well, it all started when I was walking to the library after patrolling with Wesley," she began.  
  
"Very interesting. Who's Wesley?" asked Bloody Will.  
  
"Oh, he's my watcher. I'm the slayer. Ya know, the one girl in all the world that slays vampires," she said simply.  
  
All of a sudden, Amy-rat jumped out of her teapot, screaming up a storm about vampires. "Oh dear!" screamed the Mad Vampress. "Get the jam!" she yelled while trying to catch the poor dear. Buffy grabbed the jam while the two vampires captured the crazed, vampire-scared mouse and held it down while Buffy put the jam on her nose to calm her down and put her back into her teapot.  
  
"Of all the things that upset me!" screeched the Mad Vampress.  
  
"See all the trouble you've started?" yelled Bloody Will.  
  
"But I didn't think-"  
  
"That's right! You didn't think! If you don't think, you shouldn't talk!" interrupted Bloody Will.  
  
Just then, the Mad Vampress broke out, "Clean cup clean cup! Move down move down!" and the three proceeded to move down the table once more.  
  
"Now my dear, as you were saying," said the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Oh yes, I was walking back from patrolling with Wesley-"  
  
"Oh my dear, don't you care for tea?" asked the Mad Vampress, interrupting her once again.  
  
"Yeah, ever since I met Giles I had a taste for it but-"  
  
"If you don't like tea, you could at least come up with some decent conversation," Bloody Will said shortly.  
  
"Well I've been trying to-"  
  
"I've got an idea! Let's change the subject!" said Bloody Will.  
  
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Riddles?" Buffy asked herself. "Hmm, let me see..why is a raven like a writing desk?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?" asked the Mad Vampress.  
  
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" clarified Buffy.  
  
"Why is a..what?!" screamed the Mad Vampress.  
  
Bloody Will ran over to his vampress and clutched onto her. "Be careful! She's absolutely mad!"  
  
"But it's your stupid riddle! You just said-"  
  
"Now don't get excited.." said the Mad Vampress worriedly.  
  
"How about a nice cup of tea?" asked Bloody Will, attempting to hand her a cup.  
  
"Nice cup of tea, hah!" Buffy said, hitting the table. "Well I don't have time!" she huffed as she got up from the table and began to walk out of their yard.  
  
"Time! Who's got the time!" yelled out Bloody Will.  
  
Just then, the tweed watcher came running through their backyard. "No, time no time. Hello, goodbye. I'm late! I'm late!"  
  
"The tweed watcher!" exclaimed Buffy as she spun around.  
  
"I'm so late! I'm so very late!" he exclaimed as he ran out of the tea party yard and out into the forest once again.  
  
"Mr. Giles! Wait! Mr. Giles!" yelled Buffy, chasing after him, leaving the Mad Vampress and Bloody Will to sing their unbirthday song, drinking their tea merrily.  
  
After a while of walking and getting absolutely nowhere, Buffy sat down on a rock in the middle of the forest to rest a while. "This is hopeless! I'm never gonna find that damned watcher and I'm never gonna get home," she sighed. Just then, she heard a familiar voice sing.  
  
"And the Momeraths outgrabe!" sang Angelus.  
  
"Oh Angelus! It's you!" exclaimed Buffy.  
  
"Whom did you expect? The tweed watcher?"  
  
"Oh no no no, I'm through with watchers. I just want to get home, but I can't find my way."  
  
"Naturally. That's because you have no way. All way's here are the queen's way!"  
  
"But I've never met any queen."  
  
"You haven't? You haven't?! Oh she'll simply be mad about you! Simply mad!" he laughed as he began to disappear once more. "And the momeraths outgrabe!"  
  
"Wait! How can I find her?"  
  
"Well, some go this way..and some go that way. But I prefer the short cut," he said as he pulled on a branch on a tree and it opened up to revel a maze with a castle at its end. Angelus having left, Buffy walked through the doorway and into the maze, hearing some whistling and singing.  
  
"Ohh we're digging up peoples' graves, we're digging up peoples' graves! We dare not stop or waste our time so let us dig them up. We're digging up people's graves! Yes we're digging up peoples' graves," sang a quartet.  
  
Buffy found the location of the singing and peered over the wall to see four people, two women and two men, digging up graves in this lovely courtyard. Buffy found the entrance to their section of graveyard and questioned, in song of course, "Oh pardon me you people four why must you dig those graves?"  
  
"Huh?" all four respond at once. "Oh!" as it dawned on them.  
  
"Well the truth is miss," said Noah, one of the four digging, "we buried half the town here and.."  
  
"The queen she hates the dead. If she saw the dead, she'd raise a fuss and each of us would lose our pretty head. And that is the part we dread..so we're digging up peoples' graves," the four of them sang as the continued to dig up the corpses and pile them in a wagon to take elsewhere.  
  
"Oh! Well let me help you guys," offered Buffy, picking up a shovel.  
  
"Oh we're digging up peoples' graves, digging up peoples' graves. Don't tell the queen what you have seen or say that's what we have said. Yes, we're digging up peoples' graves!" the five of them sang.  
  
Just then, trumpets sounded and the five of them, Buffy, Noah, Kt, David, and Cj, jumped up in great panic. "The queen!" they all shouted, trying to get rid of the bodies quickly before the queen and her army of loyal subjects came to the site of the cemetery. The five gave up and lay on the ground while their army surrounded them and the queen entered with the king and the tweed watcher running ahead, blowing a trumpet.  
  
"Her imperial highness. Her grace, her excellency, her royal ness, Queen C!" bellowed the tweed watcher. A somewhat short man pulled on the tweed watcher's shirt tail and he sighed, "And the king." Doyle grinned and waved around at his loyal..army.  
  
Queen C looked around and saw all of the bodies scattered around the courtyard and screamed, "Who's been digging up these graves? Who's been digging up these graves?! Who dares to think that you can have these bodies lying here! Someone will lose their head!"  
  
"Oh no your Majesty please!" Cj begged at Queen C's feet. "It was her!" she said, pointing to Kt.  
  
"No no! It wasn't not I! It was him!" Kt yelled, pointing at David.  
  
"No! Queen it was not me! It was he!" said David pointing to Noah.  
  
"Enough! Off with their heads!" she screeched!  
  
Everyone surrounding them cheered as the four of them were taken away while the army sang, "They're going to lose their heads for digging up peoples' graves! It serves them right they buried them and they should be elsewhere. They're going to lose their heads-"  
  
"Silence!" commanded the queen.  
  
"Oh please! They were only-" began Buffy.  
  
"And who is this?" bellowed the queen.  
  
The king ran in front of the queen and bent down to Buffy's level. "Well well well, let me see my dear. It certainly isn't a demon..do you suppose it's a witch?" said the king.  
  
"Why it's a slayer!" said the Queen, smiling.  
  
"Yes, and I was hoping-"  
  
"Look up, speak nicely and don't twiddle your fingers! Turn out your toes! Curtsey. Open up your mouth a little wider and always say, 'Yes! Your Majesty!'" screeched Queen C.  
  
"Yes! Your Majesty!" said Buffy, full of pride, being sure to keep her mouth open.  
  
The Queen smiled and patted her head. "Now, where do you come from and where are you going?"  
  
"Well, I'm trying to find my way home," Buffy said, rather timidly.  
  
"Your way?! Always here my ways!" screamed Queen C.  
  
"Yes, well I was thinking-"  
  
"Curtsey while you're thinking," smiled the queen, "it saves time."  
  
Buffy obeyed and curtseyed and said, "Yes your majesty, but I was going to ask you-"  
  
"I'll ask the questions!" she yelled.  
  
"Yes your majesty."  
  
"Do you play croquet?"  
  
"Yes, actually, I do."  
  
"Then let the game begin!" shouted the Queen.  
  
Everyone began to run around in frenzy, trying to get the game set up for the Queen as quickly as possible. One of her soldiers brought out her the flamingo clubs and hedgehog balls. Queen C took first pick. She grabbed one of the flamingos and pulled it taunt, showing it who's boss, and grabbed her hedgehog ball. She then set down her ball and prepared for her stroke. She hit the ball as hard as she could and the hedgehog took off. Knowing better, it made sure to go through the wire hoops so the queen would surely win the match.  
  
The queen's ball hit the pole on the other side, making it through every single hoop that lay in its path. The queen took a bow and then sat down, waiting for Buffy to take her turn. Buffy got up and grabbed her flamingo club and her hedgehog ball. She set the ball on the ground and attempted to straighten out her flamingo so she could hit her ball but to no prevail. She compromised and grabbed its neck and hit her ball with its nose. Alas, her poor ball didn't make it through any of the hoops. She sighed and stepped down so the queen could once more take her turn.  
  
The queen stepped up for her next turn. Just then, Buffy heard the familiar singing of Angelus and he appeared beside her.  
  
"How are you getting along?" he asked, laying back.  
  
"Not good," she sighed.  
  
"Pardon?" he grinned, leaning closer to Buffy's general direction.  
  
"I said 'Not good!'" she practically yelled.  
  
"Who are you talking to?!" demanded the queen as she spun around and glared at Buffy.  
  
"Oh uh..Angelus!" she said and pointed to where he was but he had vanished.  
  
"Angelus? Where?"  
  
"There!" she said as he reappeared behind the queen. "Oh there he is again!" she said as he reappeared at her side.  
  
The queen spun around and yelled, "I warn you child, if I lose my temper you lose your head! Understand?" The queen turned around and prepared for her next shot.  
  
Angelus reappeared behind the queen and said mischievously, "You know, we could make her really angry. Shall we try?"  
  
"Oh no no!" she protested.  
  
"Oh but its loads of fun," he said as he took the club that was conveniently behind her back, ready to swing and put it under her dress. When the poor woman tried to swing, she pulled her dress up and flipped forward, falling flat on her face. The guards ran and surrounded the fallen queen so as she would not be embarrassed.  
  
"Someone's head will roll for this!" she yelled. "Yours! Off with your-"she screamed, pointing at Buffy.  
  
"But consider my dear, could she have a trial?" interrupted the king timidly.  
  
"A trial?"  
  
"Just a little trial? Hmm?"  
  
"Hmm..very well then. Let the trial begin!" she screeched. Everyone ran inside of the castle, the guards dragging Buffy inside and the tweed watcher blowing his trumpet in the front. As soon as everyone was in place, the tweed watcher began the trial.  
  
"Your majesty. Members of the Jury. Loyal subjects. And the king," he said as he bowed to all four. "The prisoner is charged with enticing your majesty, Queen C, into a game of croquet, and thereby willfully teasing, tormenting, and otherwise annoying our beloved-"  
  
"Never mind that!" screamed the queen, "Get to the part where I lose my temper."  
  
The tweed watcher skimmed over the very long statement to the end and stated matter-of-factly, "Thereby causing the queen to lose her temper!"  
  
"Now, are you ready for your sentence?" laughed the queen happily.  
  
"Sentence? But there's got to be a verdict first!" protested Buffy.  
  
"Sentence first! Verdict afterwards!" screamed the queen.  
  
"But that's not the right way!" argued Buffy  
  
"Always my-" she began to yell.  
  
"Your way. Yes I know," said Buffy doing a little curtsey.  
  
"Yes my child," she smirked and then screamed, "Off with her-"  
  
"Consider my dear," began Doyle, "we haven't called any witnesses. Couldn't we hear one or two? Maybe?" he persuaded.  
  
"Oh all right. But get on with it!" she bellowed.  
  
"First witness! First witness!" called the King.  
  
"Bloody Will," called out the tweed watcher.  
  
"What do you know about this unfortunate affair?" questioned the king.  
  
"Nothing," he answered, sipping a cup of tea.  
  
"Nothing whatever?!" screamed the queen.  
  
"Nothing whatever!" he yelled back.  
  
"That's very important!" she screamed to the king. "Jury, write that down!" The jury that consisted of Sunnydale's "finest" quickly wrote down the response.  
  
"Unimportant you mean," corrected Buffy politely.  
  
"Silence!" screamed the queen, slamming the gavel on the table. "Next witness!"  
  
"Amy-rat!" called the tweed watcher as two guards quietly brought up a teapot containing the Amy-rat.  
  
"What-" she began to scream but was quickly shushed. She whispered next to the pot, "What do you have to say about this?"  
  
"Twinkle twinkle little bat. How I wonder.." she trailed off.  
  
"That is the most important piece of evidence," she whispered to the jury. "Write it down!"  
  
"Twinkle twinkle..hah," mumbled Buffy as the obedient jury furiously wrote, mumbling the phrase quietly to themselves while the next witness was called.  
  
"The Mad Vampress," called out the tweed watcher.  
  
"Where were you when this horrible crime was committed?" asked the king.  
  
"Why, I was at home having a cup of tea. Today is my unbirthday you know!" she exclaimed as she squirt some tea into her cup.  
  
"Why dear, it's your unbirthday too!" exclaimed the king.  
  
"It is?" Queen C grinned.  
  
"It is?" questioned the Mad Vampress and Bloody Will.  
  
"It is?!" exclaimed the courtroom.  
  
"A very merry unbirthday," they all sang.  
  
"To me?" exclaimed the queen.  
  
"To you!"  
  
"Oh great," sighed Buffy.  
  
"A very merry unbirthday!"  
  
"For me?"  
  
"For you!"  
  
"Now blow the candle out my dear and make your wish come true!" exclaimed Bloody Will.  
  
She blew out the candles on the cake that appeared in front of her and it turned into a present. She viciously unwrapped it to reveal a new crown. She grinned and put it on her head, tossing her old one aside. Just then, Angelus began to appear behind her.  
  
"Oh! Your majesty!" exclaimed Buffy pointing behind her.  
  
"Yes my dear?" giggled the queen.  
  
"Look! There he is now!"  
  
"What? Who?"  
  
"Angelus! The vampire!"  
  
"Vampire?!" exclaimed the queen.  
  
"Vampire!" screamed Amy-rat as she jumped out of her teapot and began to run around the court.  
  
"Oh no! Get the jam! Catch it!" screamed the Mad Vampress.  
  
"The jam! The jam! By order of the king!" yelled Doyle.  
  
"The jam! Let me have it!" bellowed the queen as Buffy tossed her the jam. But alas, the jar opened and the jam spilled all over the queen. "Somebody's head will roll for this!" screamed the queen as she wiped off her face. She pointed to Buffy and yelled, "You!"  
  
"Oh! The chocolates!" remembered Buffy as she grabbed them out of her pocket and shoved both into her mouth. The queen shrank back upon seeing Buffy grow to the top of the ceiling. The guards tried to stop the gigantic slayer but it was no use. "Oh! I'm not afraid of you," she said as she picked some up in her hand as the rest ran for their lives.  
  
"Rule 42: All persons more than a mile high must leave the courtroom!" read the king.  
  
"I am not a mile high and I'm not leaving," stated Buffy, crossing her arms.  
  
"Eh-heh..sorry..but Rule 42 my dear," said the queen sweetly.  
  
"And as for you," began Buffy as Queen C cowered behind Doyle, "you're majesty," she said dryly while taking a bow. "You're majesty hah! You're not a queen!" she said as she began to shrink. "You're nothing but a fat, bad tempered, tyran..tyrant," she finished as she looked around and saw she was once again her normal height.  
  
The queen grinned and said mockingly, "What were you saying my dear?"  
  
"Why, she said you were a fat, bad tempered tyrant!" laughed Angelus.  
  
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen.  
  
The guards swarmed Buffy at the command and all hell broke lose. The tweed watcher blew his trumpet, as a signal to the guards while the king, trying to be powerful, demanded that Buffy's head be removed as well. Buffy ran out of the courtroom and was chased around the whole courtyard by the queen's guards and the queen herself. She soon found herself back in the caucus race with the demons and the Mayor cheering them on, still being chased by the guards. She then appeared back on the table at the tea party with Bloody Will and the Mad Vampress, jumping over cups and pots of tea.  
  
"Just a moment! You can't leave without having a cup of tea!" protested the Mad Vampress, grabbing onto her arm.  
  
"But I can't!" argued Buffy.  
  
"Ah, but we insist! You must try a cup of tea!" persisted Bloody Will grabbing onto her other arm and both leading her up a giant cup of tea. Buffy fell in the cup and was in an ocean of tea, swimming from the queen and her guards. She could hear the queen still yelling, "Off with her head!" while pursuing her.  
  
She then saw the fuzzy couch and Oz, back in his normal state, sitting on it, floating in the ocean of tea, smoking his pipe. Buffy swam up to him and hung onto the couch and implored, "Please! Oz! What should I do?"  
  
"Who are you?" he asked, blowing smoke into her face.  
  
Buffy was then out of the tea sea and running once more from the queen and her guards. She saw her mother-turned-door from earlier and sprinted to it, pulling on the doorknob while Joyce screamed in pain.  
  
"Still locked you know," she said simply.  
  
"But the queen! I have to get out!" she said desperately trying to open the door.  
  
"You're already out," chuckled Joyce.  
  
"What?"  
  
"See for yourself," she said as she opened up her mouth.  
  
"Oh, I'm asleep!" exclaimed Buffy. She looked back at the royal brigade catching up to her. "Oh God, Buffy wake up! Buffy!" she screamed pounding on the door, "Wake up! Buffy! Wake up!"  
  
Buffy's eyes fluttered open to the sound of Wesley's nagging voice yelling at her to wake up. "Buffy! Get up! We have to research!" he said exasperated.  
  
"Oh..I uh..sorry. Fell asleep there," she said, sitting up a bit.  
  
"Obviously. Now, would kindly call your friends so they can assist in the research?" snapped Wesley as he emerged himself back into the stacks.  
  
Buffy sighed and got up walking over to the phone to call her friends. "Weird dream," she commented as she dialed up Willow's number to begin another oh so fun research party.  
  
The End! Now go home! 


End file.
